"Mauro look behind us". I loosened my seat belt and lifted my head above the head rest. looking through the back window i saw a skull faced man riding a Harley motor cycle. I waited and took a closer look and saw it was only an average biker riding down the highway. He was wearing a Rob Zombie bandanna that had the skeletal features of the jaw and face so it made him look like something from Halloween. I turned around and listened to the music my dad was playing. Playing in our CD drive was a CD that my dad burned songs on to from thee bands we would see at Ozzfest. Me and my dad were driving to Ozzfest 07 and it wold be his and my first time seeing Ozzy live. there were other band that would be performing at Ozzfest and we were excited to see them.
Now we that we have reached our destination and we were looking for a hotel. we wanted to get a good night sleep for tomorrows upcoming concerts. (Ozzfest) we passed some hotels but i told my dad we should keep driving. "No dad i want to find a hotel that is closer to the theater" later we took a off ramp that took us to a dusty old asphalt road that winded in between mountains. My dad noticed that their was a Korean church at the top of one of the mountains. He goes to a Korean church in San Diego and he wanted to stop and say hi. We pulled of the last sign of paved road and tried to drive over a dirt hill that would take us across a river/stream. This hill was probably made for trucks or cars with 4 wheel drive and here we are me and my dad trying to drive over it with a red PT cruiser. We barely made it across it and we parked on a pile of rocks that had been spread out along the dirt. we started walking up a hill that we thought lead to the church. Walking up the steep hill i noticed a rock. Some one had painted in red on it "scream for help now". I don't know why but i didn't tell my dad about the rock. we were almost at the top of the hill when we were stopped by a closed gate that had no trespassing signs on it. On the side of the gate was a home maid sign saying to go no further. Then I remembered the rock and quickly told my dad about it. "Um dad, back futher down the hill I saw a rock that had scream for help now" I said with a scared un shure voice. He looked at me and said lets go. We started to walk down the hill and almost instantly our walk turned in to a run. Back at the car we had to re drive over the off road bump/bridge. we quickly got out of there and went to the next hotel we saw.
It is early in the morning and we are driving towards the Verizon amphitheater after lasts nights event we now know to never aimlessly wander around in unknown places. Today we are planing to use our tickets that we got for free to get into Ozzfest. Ozzfest in 07 was free. when me and my dad got the Ozzy black rain CD it came with 2 tickets. Walking in to ozzfest I could hear bands starting to play.I saw people calling their friends, "ya...i am here...at the main gate....OK coming." they said as they looked around like a scared, lost, child because they didn't really know were they're friends are.At that time I was talking to my self in my head, I just noticed that already this concert is going to be more hard core than all the concerts I have seen put together. I saw allot of metal heads. Allot of people were calling their friends to meet up with them. I could easily tell Ozzfest was a free land. I could tell the drive and trip in the mountains was worth it.
Monday, April 14, 2008
My Memoir 2nd Draft
Sitting in my seat the lights dimmed, everybody started to scream, then as the first strum blasted out of the speakers I new the drive was worth it.
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7 comments:
I think you should check you spelling mauro in your poll
prooofread your work and some of it was a bit hard to understand
Mauro,
I think that you have an overall great content.There were a lot of spelling and grammar errors though. This piece if very descriptive. I think that byou might want to include a little more about the concert if that is what your memoir is about. Other than that, Great.
Killer lead! Keep your verb tenses in agreement. you shift from past to present. Also, i think that some of your sentences could be reworked so that they were more clear and had flow.
it seems to me that you are trying to tell too much in this memoir. i think you need to focus it more. the writing seems a bit schizophrenic. What story do you really want the reader to know, the drive or the event?
The strengths in this piece:
-You are very descriptive. This helped me really be in the moment.
-You included your thoughts which really helped me understand how you felt.
You are very good at making the reader think that they are seeing what is happening. I think that you should check you spelling and grammar.
Strengths:
-detail
Content:
It really made me nervous and edgey. It kept my attention because i wanted to know what was going to happen.
Style:
I liked how you were able to include the entire trip even though it was really just about the scary signs and the hill.
Tone:
I got exactly how nervous you were by the tone of the writing.
Sentence Structure:
Most of the sentences are long and detailed.
Writing Strategies:
-dialog
-gesture
-interior monologue
i would be proud of the detail and tone.
Some things I should work on:
I think you should work on your spelling.
Something you should be proud about:
That you had a great story and you made people not get bored in the story.
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